We all need time to reflect. Sometimes with pride or sorrow or pain or even disgust. We do not always like ourselves our humanity allows for great positive and great negative actions. Those actions can return into our thoughts as anger and hatred, not just for ourselves, but for anyone nearby. We act badly and the shame increases, the pain deepens, and our attitude and self image suffer. The downward spiral continues until someone or something stops it.
The only person who can really change this is you. You start by forgiving yourself. Your past is just your past. You cannot change it, affect it, or even really revisit it. The flickers of images in your past can be inflamed by sounds, people, smells, food, almost anything we can sense and associate with the past. These negative memories are the hardest to remove and cause the worst in us to emerge. Letting go of the past is the first part of forgiving yourself. The transgression does not matter. And forgiveness of ourselves comes at a price. The price is that you must behave better going forward.
Once a period of positive behavior occurs, you start to believe that you deserve forgiveness. Eventually, you grant it to yourself believing that you deserve it. Your negative behavior only reinforces the negative and prevents real forgiveness. Some people are far harder on themselves than others and forgiveness comes more slowly. The important thing to remember is that your actions can save or destroy you and in these critical times, positive actions can rebuild. But whatever you do, you must never give up on yourself. You are worthy of forgiveness and deserve a chance to be happy.
Forgive yourself, allow happiness to come to you, be kind to others, see yourself as a better person, and learn to love that reflection. Do not surrender to the negative thoughts and emotions. They will darken your soul long before your body releases you.
Be well. Live, Laugh, and Love.